Drug of Choice

I worked at a rehabilitation center for teens. During group sessions the counselors would have everyone, including the other staff, introduce themselves and say their DOC (drug of choice). I have never done a drug a day in my life. So when it would get to me I would jokingly say "Sugar!" Only now I don't think it was so much a joke.

The first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem, right? Well I am seriously addicted to sugar. I constantly crave it. Somehow I've gotten in the habit of eating a bowl of ice cream every night, and I used to not even really like ice cream! Thanks to Halloween season, I often find myself munching on candies (it's ok, cause they're just "fun" sized... right?). I was doing so good listening to my body, but if I'm addicted and my body is telling me eat sugar, that's not necessarily what I should actually be doing. I think things really began to slip when life got out of my control. Now that things are settling down and looking up I'm still eating sugar. Frequently.

The first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem. What's the second?

Glorifying Bulimia

I got food poisoning. At least that's what I'm assuming it was because it only lasted 24 hours and I've heard that the "24 flu" is actually just food poisoning. I was up all night throwing up and couldn't eat pretty much the entire day. TMI, right? Sorry. But there is a point to all this. I got on the scale and thought "well at least I lost a few pounds." I'm thinking (hoping) I'm not alone in this thought process. I know when my cousin was pregnant and lost like 10 pounds in her first trimester from morning sickness I thought to myself how great it would be to have morning sickness and actually lose weight while pregnant ( I had the opposite affliction and ate everything in sight). Ok, like I said, there is a point to this sad confession.

While I was sick I called my sister (an RN) to get some advice on what to do. Jokingly (but only half) I told her at least I had lost some weight. To which she replied "you're glorifying bulimia." I had never thought about it that way.  I mean I obviously wasn't going to start making myself throw up, but still it was an unhealthy thought process. The whole point of examining my eating habits is to learn to listen to my body and be healthy. Well my body was telling me it was sick, not a good thing! So next time I'm sick, I'm staying off the scale and focusing on getting better.

Hot Hot Hot!

Today I decided to bake some chicken strips and fries out of the freezer. I started eating it pretty much right out of the oven. Of course, it was too hot. But I was hungry, so instead of waiting for it to cool off a bit I dug in, and discovered something.

When I eat food that is too hot for my pallet I chew it up the least as possible an swallow it with it touching my tongue as little as possible. So guess what? I don't taste anything! It took me about half way through my meal to discover the fries tasted freezer burned and I didn't want to eat them! It also took me that long to discover I didn't like the honey mustard I was using with my chicken strips. I wasn't even tasting the sauce I was using!

The lesson in all of this? Temperature of food matters. One, so we don't eat more than we want to in an attempt to save our tongues from the heat. And two, when we eat something at a pleasurable temperature it'll heighten the satisfaction of the food. We wouldn't eat frozen chicken strips and fries, so why would we eat it burning hot?

Time to Check In

It is time to be accountable. First, my commitment to exercise. I love zumba! Seriously, if you've ever tried it then you know. If you've never tried it, you need to. I've been going three times a week since I first began. However on the other days I haven't really found something that fits into my schedule. But I'm not giving up! My goal is to run a half marathon in the next year. I suppose that means I should start running.

And to answer the question that I'm sure anyone who reads this blog is wondering, has any of this transferred to the scale? YES!!!! Of course I'm not trying to let that number effect what I'm doing and instead focusing on how I'm feeling. But it's nice to know my body is adjusting as well. So far I've lost 7 or 8 lbs. But even better than  that is how my clothes are fitting. My mom gave me a dress right after I had my baby and I couldn't even really get it on. However, this last week I decided I'd try it on again and it fit really great. Not even tight anywhere.

Hopefully all the learning will continue to pay off!

Are You Satisfied?

Mashed potatoes, buttered carrots, grilled and marinaded chicken, crescents. Deliciousness. To start, the chicken breasts were already cut in half. I didn't add gravy to the potatoes, 'cause I don't like gravy. The first thing I wanted seconds of was the carrots, which was good since I don't tend to eat lots of veggies. I also found myself cutting a second of the chicken pieces in half for a bit more chicken. Then I sit there for a minute. I must have had an interesting look on my face since after a moment my husband asks me what's wrong. "Oh, nothing," I reply "I was just thinking about eating the rest of that piece of chicken."

"Are you satisfied?" He asks.

I was shocked. He really has been listening about how I'm trying to learn how to eat and not diet. I feel like in the past he might have said "you don't need it," or something to that effect, but he asked me what I really needed to ask myself, was I satisfied? Yes, yes I was. I decided I was in fact done with dinner and was not hungry the rest of the night. It's great to know my husband cares about me and how I want to learn about my body, not just lose weight.

Stress, the emphasis on my waist

Suddenly my world has come crashing around me. It has been replaced by stress, hurt, confusion. But this blog is not to discuss my personal problems, rather on how these problems have effected my eating habits. I am a eating mess.

When things first started coming apart I couldn't eat. I had no appetite. Then yesterday I found myself constantly in the kitchen. Trying to figure out what I was really craving. Nothing I ate was satisfying, so I kept eating. I was trying to replace what I was (am) feeling with food. Today hasn't been much better, but now that I understand that food is really not helping me cope I can stop eating emotionally, hopefully, and start listening to my hunger again. A much better outlet would be working out, but sadly the Zumba class I go to isn't until Monday. Wish my waistline good luck!

Just One More Piece...

I've really been trying to listen to my hunger cues. Sounds pretty easy, right? Wrong. I realized  I wasn't very successful when I felt like I went from fine to famished in a matter of minutes. It's a lot harder to listen to your body when you've either been stuffing yourself or dieting (which is pretty much how it's been since I started college). I don't know how to tell when I'm just hungry. However, with that said I do believe I've begun to understand my body's signal for me being satisfied (not stuffed).

Tonight my husband ordered pizza. In the past I would just keep eating and eating pizza until it was gone. Why? Because I would tell myself each time that we had pizza that it would be my last time eating pizza. However, tonight I understood that if I told myself it was "the last time" it would be a lie. I've allowed  myself to eat what I really want to eat. And you know what? I ate HALF of ONE slice. I genuinely just didn't want any more.

I know I'm just beginning on this journey to a healthy relationship with food, but I am proud for the progress I've already made.

Turns out, I didn't even really want it

It's been a while since I've written about Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch, but not to worry,  I have been reading it. I tell you what, my view of food has really changed.

For example, last night my husband took me on a date to the movies. On past dates I would consistently get candy to munch on during the movie, because that's what you do at movies. It's an excuse to sneak in some "bad" foods. Well when I went to the snack bar to get some bottled water I looked at all the candy they had to offer. I thought of what each would taste like and pondered if it would be something I would enjoy. In the end I really didn't feel like eating candy and just got my water. Not because I was trying to be "good," but because I am trying to listen to my body and that just really wasn't what I was in the mood for.  In fact we had just had dinner, so really I wasn't even hungry at all. In the past I would have just gotten the candy anyway and munched on it without thinking. What a great change!

What Not to Wear

Ok I know I've been slacking in the posting area, and where have I been? Watching TLC's  What Not to Wear. I am enthralled. I thought I dressed alright, but when they brought in a girl with a similar body build to my own and a similar wardrobe, I knew I needed a change.

After having two kids my body just isn't the same as it was when I was in college. Bottom line? Low-risers just don't  look good on my anymore! Even if they are the right size I still look like I've got a muffin top. I blamed myself for not looking cute in low-rise jeans, but I've now learned that if something doesn't look good on my it's not me, it's the clothes! Duh, right? But how many of us blame ourselves when the clothes don't fit? Now the fit of low-rise jeans may just be because my stomach hasn't toned up yet since my last pregnancy, we'll see. But for now I've moved onto mid-rise.

The other day there was a What Not to Wear marathon and after a few episodes I decided I really needed to go shopping. My favorite rule from this show is dress for the way your body is now, not how you think it should be. In other words, don't worry about the size! If it fits right but is a bigger size well ends up you'll look skinnier! That night I went shopping and tried on every style of jeans in Old Navy, in a few different sizes. I discovered I'm in between sizes (awesome). However, an hour and twenty pairs of jeans later I found a pair that didn't give me funny rolls or lines!

I was so inspired by my marathon I even bought a new shirt with a very flattering neck line and a big belt at the waist. Now I want to redo my whole wardrobe, but we'll take it one piece at a time.

Rebel Without a Cause

The other night I went to the kitchen for a small snack before bed. Why? Because I was hungry and I'm trying to listen to what my body is telling me. I grabbed some whole grain Wheat Thins and some cheddar cheese. Nothing "bad." From our living room I hear "you know you really shouldn't eat after 8." I tell my husband that I'm trying to listen to my body. He said it didn't matter, that eating after 8 was bad. So the next night what did I do? Sneak about in my kitchen eating kettle corn.

Even though my husbands intentions were well meant all it really made me want to do was eat. Why? I don't like people telling me what to do. I mean, really, who does? There are times when my husband will be eating junk food and I'll ask if I can have some and he won't let me, telling me that he's doing it for me and I'll thank him someday. So what do I do? I find a way to get it from him and then eat more than I probably would have just to spite him. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband very much and know he wants me to be healthy. That's not the issue. The issue is he is trying to take control of my health instead of letting me. Like a said, no one likes being told what to do.

I used to think that having him "help" me would be better. But now I see that the independent (rebellious) woman in me just won't sit by and be told what to do. It is up to me to take control, and while I need the support of my family and friends, I don't need them telling me what and how to do it.

huh

Turns out, frosting by itself also makes me feel gross. Now I know.

Let Them Eat Cake

I learned something today. I really don't like cake. I already knew it wasn't my food of choice, but now I'm officially declaring, I don't like it. I went to a wedding today and when I was leaving I thought about how I was feeling in regards to what I ate. I felt gross. So I dug a little further and thought about when I started feeling that way and what I'd eaten leading up to that. The wedding cake was the culprit.

How often do we eat cake because it's what the occasion calls for? It's a birthday? Ok, let's have cake! A wedding? Cake! Anniversary? Cake! How many of us really enjoy it? Well I don't. Therefore I'm not going to eat it anymore. I don't have to eat it just because that's what I'm "supposed" to do.

Dieting Rules

I recently got this comment on my blog "I have a problem at night wanting something cold and sweet so I thought I would try brushing my teeth right after supper and maybe it would prevent the craving." To this reader I am going to say NO! Just a few weeks ago I was using this dieting trick myself, and it doesn't really work. Here's why, when we using dieting gimmicks we fall harder when we fall. Dieting gimmicks just add to the last supper syndrome. Pretty soon you'll just be eating more before you brush your teeth because you know once you brush your teeth 
you won't be allowed to eat anymore.

When I talked about the dieting backlash described in Intuitive Eating (see chapter 1) I talked about dieting bringing on binges and cravings. They also explain that this happens because I deny myself what I really want. So I make it up by eating other "better" things. The next thing I know I've been munching on things for an hour instead of just eating the half cup of ice cream that I wanted and been done eating.


Since I've started reading Intuitive Eating I ask myself two questions when I go into the kitchen. First is the most important "am I really hungry?" and then if I am I ask "what do I really want?" By asking these two questions I stop myself from eating when my body doesn't need to, and I am fulfilling those cravings and not eating more than I really need. Already I feel happier about my heating habits and feel happy. I'm not constantly thinking about food! 

Intuitive Eating: Chapter 2

What Kind of Eater Are You?

In this chapter Tribole and Resch describe three different eating personalities. Of the three I fit in two of them. Don't ask me how it happened, but this is the case.

The first personality is the careful eater, so NOT me.

The second personality is the Professional Dieter. A Professional dieter is defined as a "chronic dieter makes every eating choice for the sake of losing weight, not necessarily for health" (pg. 11). When I'm not pregnant I'm obsessed with losing weight. When I was pregnant I was thinking about when I would have the baby and could start dieting again. Which of course brought on the last supper syndrome (which occurred pretty much every day of my last trimester).

The third personality is the Unconscious Eater. This is divided further into 4 sub-groups. The first is Chaotic. A busy person that eats whatever is fastest and available. This describes me not because my life is crazy busy, but rather because I just don't want to cook unless I have a specific meal planned and all the ingredients ready to go. The next sub group is Waste-Not. This is the dollar value eater (see what doesn't go to waist). Then there is Refuse-Not. If there's food around I'll munch on it, especially if it's yummy ingredients while I'm cooking. And lastly is Emotional. Eat to deal with life (see roll over and play dead).

The goal of this book is to teach me how to move away from these personalities and embrace the Intuitive Eater.

I don't want my food, I want yours!

How do you get a two-year-old to eat? This is a question that I ask myself everyday. My two-year-old seems to survive with a bite here, a bite there. However, I've found that when she says she's done and I go take a bite of her food suddenly she wants to eat it. Or sometimes she won't eat what's on her plate, but she'll eat what's on mine. The good news? She's getting more to eat. The bad news? I'm getting more to eat.

I figure that my increase in eating happens for two reasons. First is when I eat something off her plate in order to get her to want to eat. Sometimes when I do this she really doesn't want to eat more and I find myself finishing her plate for her. The second is when she eats off my plate. I tell myself that I'm not eating as much because she's helping me eat it, so I take larger portions and end up eating more than I would have if we hadn't shared food.

Of course the best cure for this would be for her to just start eating well on her own, and that's not going to happen. At least not for a while. So I need to commit to leaving her food for her and if she's all done I need to throw her food away or put it in the fridge and not eat it myself. And the other solution is to dish her food off my plate onto her own plate. If that doesn't work and she still wants to eat off my plate I need to leave my portion size and listen to my hunger instead of my justification.

Intuitive Eating: Chapter 1

Hitting Diet Bottom

This chapter was me. The first subheading in the chapter is "diet backlash," the side effects of dieting. I get now why I diet, and then eventually gain the weight back. Ok, so granted I just had a baby and of course that will bring the weight back, but if my last diet had worked I wouldn't have gained almost 60 pounds during my pregnancy, right? Well I did. So now I'm back to having lost half that weight from actually having the baby and stuck wanting to lose the other half plus some more. But Tribole and Resch point out that dieting brings on cravings, binges, and feelings of guilt (all SO me).

My favorite backlash, though, is what they called  "the Last Supper." This is where you eat all the foods you won't be able to while your dieting. Every time my husband gets fast food or pizza he says "this is the last time and then I'm eating good." With this mentality I eat half the pizza instead of just one or two pieces 'cause I want to to get as much as I can before I don't get any more for a long time (see going, going, gone).

I'm excited to see what I can do to get rid of this dieting mentality and all the side effects that come with it.

Same place same time?

Every summer I help out with a softball league by working in their snack bar. While working there I can  have any of the snacks free of charge. Sweet! Only now when I go in there I automatically think, ok what do I want to eat? I feel like I need to eat something.

This same thing happens when I go to my in-laws house. They have a snack cupboard and when I first started going over there I was told that I didn't have to ask, just eat whatever I wanted. And oftentimes one of my sisters-in-law would be eating something, so I'd just snack along with them. Now as soon as I go over to my in-laws house I automatically head to the kitchen and check out the snack cupboard. I'm not even usually hungry!

I call this habitual eating. Eating simply because it is a habit. It's usually connected with a time of day (for example, dinner every day at 5, even if I had a snack at 4:30) or a place (such as the snack bar or my in-laws kitchen).

Last night I was working at the snack bar asking myself  the same old question, what should I eat. I reached for a licorice rope when it hit me, I wasn't hungry. I really didn't want to eat anything. So what did I do? Nothing! I didn't eat a thing. I'll be honest, I was pretty proud of myself. Now when I go to my in-laws and I find myself in the kitchen I head to the cabinet with the dishes in it and get myself a cup of water.

Intuitive Eating

The other day I was telling a friend about the issues I've been thinking about regarding my relationship with food. She recommended I start reading "Intuitive Eating" by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch. The subtitle reads "Make Peace with Food. Free Yourself from Chronic Dieting Forever. Get to the Natural Weight That Fits You." It sounded perfect. I'm going to take you on this journey with me as I read this book. After each chapter I will blog about what I've read and how it applies to me and the changes I'm trying to make.

You have been weighed and found wanting

I hate the scale. It makes me eat. Ok, it's just a tool and can't make me do anything, yet when I get on it I tend to eat more. This is regardless of what it tells me. If I get on it and I've gained weight I get depressed and eat. If I get on it and it says I've been sustaining my weight I get depressed and eat. If I get on it and it says I lost weight I get excited and eat. As I'm writing this I begin to realize my relationship with the scale is actually a relationship with emotional eating. However there's more to it than just that. When I let myself I become obsessed with the scale. I get on it everyday, sometimes even more than once a day. That's not a healthy obsession, especially with the emotion tie I've just discussed.

Here's the plan. I am only going to weigh myself at the beginning of the month. This is just to be sure I'm on the right track to a healthier weight. But what I really want to do to gauge myself on how I'm doing is focus on how I feel (which is great since I started my exercise program) and how my clothes are fitting. Those things are really more important than a number on a scale.

Going, Going, Gone

I don't know where this next thought process regarding food came from, but here it is. When I have something I probably shouldn't eat, like sweets or chips, I tend to eat it all in one day. I've convinced myself that it's better to eat it all so that it's gone and can't tempt me later. Obviously it's best not to buy that kind of food, but then when I am out somewhere and have to chance to eat bad I go overboard because I know I won't be able to eat it when I get home.

I know if I eat just a little bit at a time I'll savor it for longer. But when I try to do that I end up eating it in 2 days instead of 1 because I want to get rid of the temptation. I suppose this just means I have no self control? And to be perfectly honest I don't know how to address this issue. What do I do to stop myself? To start I won't buy tempting food. Yet I'm already pretty good with that. It's other people buying junk food. Just say NO! Shoot. Easier said than done.

Don't you wish that at really embarrassing moments you could just roll over and play dead?

Tonight I was at a sporting event with my two kids. It was getting cold and I'd decided to leave early when my two-year-old made a decision of her own to run out onto the field and get hit by the ball (don't worry it just lightly hit her foot). Where was I during this escapade? Trying to run after her while carrying a baby in a car seat and hoping she'd just come back from me yelling her name (which, obviously, didn't work). The game was put on hold as I ran out to get her and another sports mom cam and took the car seat from me (bless her). So the point of this story? Terribly embarrassing moment for a new mom trying to learn how to juggle two kids. But it gets better (or worse?). The reason she ran out onto the field was because she wanted to say bye-bye to her daddy who was officiating the game; which meant the game was put on a longer pause as everyone watched the sports official walk off the crazy mom who let her kid run out onto the field.

Alright, what does this story have to do with eating? By the time I actually got home I was feeling terribly embarrassed and worried that my husband was upset with me. All I wanted to do was eat. So I ate a cookie, or two. Then I heated up the left over ribs and ate all of those. Then I made a banana split with caramel sauce and tried to enjoy every bite. Turns out, though, I don't really feel any better. If anything now I'm mad at myself for giving into my emotional eating.

How do I learn from this? Well for starters, I recognized that I was eating to try to distract myself from what I was feeling. And I recognized that it didn't work. I need a different outlet. I'm pretty sure Zumba would work, but I have my two little ones with me and no one to babysit (not to mention no Zumba classes going on). Yoga would probably work well, too, and hopefully I'll be able to do that when the kids go to bed. But what outlet can I have when I can't exercise? I suppose I'm creating an outlet right now by blogging about this. However, I'm going to have to explore more things I can do to help alleviate unpleasant emotions.

If guns kill people, then spoons made Rosie O'Donnell fat

Ok, so this is funny because obviously spoons can't make someone fat, right? Well... maybe they can. Or at least they can help. The other night I wanted a bowl of ice cream (it was in my freezer so someone had to eat it... that's an issue that will have to take up another entry). So being conscious of what I was eating I dished up half of what my eyes were telling me I wanted. Then I grabbed the biggest spoon in our silverware drawer and paused.

"Self," I told myself, "a bigger spoon will help me eat this bowl faster. Then I won't feel satisfied because the ice cream will be gone too fast, so then I'll go back and dish out more ice cream, and more ice cream is more calories that I don't need." I put the big spoon back and reached for the smaller spoon when my daughter's baby spoon caught my eye. I used the baby spoon. Something magical happened. I ate slower and really enjoyed the ice cream. And when I got done with the first bowl I didn't go back for a second.

How else can I apply this concept to my eating habits. Well besides using a smaller spoon (maybe not the baby spoon every time, but not the big soup spoon), I'm going to try to use smaller plates and bowls. This will force my portion sizes to be smaller. Plus it'll still look like I've got a full plate of food so maybe I can trick those eyes that are so often telling me I want more than I really do.

ZUMBA!

So I've started working out. Being healthy isn't just eating right (I know, obvious, right?).  Through out the years I've done all sorts of exercise, weight training, running, aerobics, kick boxing, yoga swimming, gymnastics, and all sorts of dance. And what I've discovered is that if you don't do something you actually enjoy then exercise is a chore. I usually do it for about a month tops before I give it up if I'm not enjoying myself. So analyzing all the ways I've exercised before I've figured out the best form of exercise for me. Dance. I love it. When I'm dancing I don't feel like I'm "working out." Lucky for me Zumba is  becoming a huge success in the exercise world, and I love it. I've already gone twice this week, and I feel great.

But that's not all. Another form of exercise I love is yoga (though it has to be the right workout, I've done some  yoga classes that weren't as enjoyable as others). So here's the plan. On Monday, Wednesday, Friday I'm going to do Zumba and on Tuesday, Thursday I'm going to do yoga. There. I have to do it now, it's in writing.

I have to put something else in writing. And I'm nervous to do so,  because if I do I have to stick to this goal. Here it is. I want to become a certified Zumba instructor. This means I have to not only get to a good weight but getting to a point where I can keep up energy during a full hour of dance. There it is. Wish me luck.

What doesn't go to waste goes to waist

I am frugal. Not to the point of being stingy, but I try to look for good deals. If I go shopping I'll try on clothes and then leave the store without buying anything, then if I'm still thinking about it throughout the day I'll go back and buy it. I'm often thinking of finances. This has transferred to the plate.

When I am eating I can't leave anything on my plate. This isn't because my parents always forced me to eat everything on my plate. On the contrary, actually, my mom always said "what doesn't go to waste goes to waist." It's because when I'm eating I think of how much money I paid for my food (especially if I'm eating out). I don't want to waste the money I've spent so instead I overeat.

I talked about this problem with my dad and he had some great advice. He said the value of food isn't in how much it cost, but rather the nutrition it gives. Can I change my thought process to give up thinking about how much money I've spent? I will try. And I can start not by leaving food on my plate (that may take me a while to get to that point) but rather by taking smaller portions. Eat what satisfies me and let that be enough.

Living to Eat, Eating to Live

I don't know where I first heard it but the phrase goes "Eat to live, don't live to eat." At this point in my life I am living to eat. I love food. I eat because something sounds good, not because I'm hungry. When I was a teenager I was very active, thus this way of eating didn't really seem to affect my health nor my weight. However, as a mother of 2 in my late twenties eating whatever I want whenever I want has done terrible things to my body. I am not disgustingly obese, however I am definitely overweight and need to make a change. This is my first step to making a change.

I've heard that the first step to changing is admitting you have a problem. I have a problem. I am hoping to use this blog in an attempt to avoid crash dieting and really evaluating why I eat the way I do. Through this evaluation I can begin to make life changes to becoming healthy. Enjoy the journey!